Done

Don't know how to heal from it anymore. I've been trying... Trying so hard. But my heart always feels broken and numb. It's the best for her, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm just done trying to heal when every step I take I get pushed 5 miles back. So I'm just going to live my life. Try to be happy, and put myself around people that make me happy. The best I can do I feel like I already did. And that was for her. I love you always and forever!

MayLynn

I can not wait to see her in May. She is 3 and a half months old! Where has the time gone by?? I never knew how much I could miss someone.. I can not wait to see her smile, and hold her. I know that when she gets here she'll be pretty busy! Wish I had a video camera thing so I could hear her. It stinks not being able to hear her coo or to see her smile. But I love love LOVE that she does all of this. She is happy! Love and miss you May

Making it the best

Scrapbooking is very therapeutic! I would post pictures of my pages, but I don't want Rachel to see it. Sooo looks like it will have to wait till May for pics to go up lol. Miss her, but I forgot how much looking at pictures of her really helps :)

Taking It All In

It's weird... I don't understand why some days it just hits, and when it does hit oh does it hit hard. Never do I regret what I did. My sister's friend Janea was talking to me probably about a week after I placed. She was telling me how incredible she thought I was. She gave me an example to what I did. "Picture yourself on the sidewalk and your child standing in the middle of the street. A car is coming. Now you can jump and hold your child so that the both of you get hurt (that would mean keeping), or you can save your child from any pain push them aside so that only you get hurt (placing)." As I'm sitting here crying, because it does feel like sometimes I just got hit by a car.
May I hope you know that I love you! That I would do anything for you. I loved you so much that I wanted the best in the world for you!
She is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.
I don't know how to really express myself. I put up this barrier, because I'm afraid of the hurt. I'm afraid of getting torn down for how I feel. Slowly my heart will heal, but I've been trying to heal it with super glue, and it is just not working. So now I know I have to do it the right way. It hurts but I have to.
I'm doing the best that I can right now. I bonded with her for 9 months, and now I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I have no meaning in life. It's hard... But I know without a doubt that I was suppose to place her with the adoptive family. To not be able to see her a lot, and get to tell her that I love her, or see her smile, or hear her sweet noises hurts... a lot....
Sometimes it just feels unreal.. I wonder if I really did this? If it's all just been a dream, or I don't know.
I use to blame things on that I just don't have the time. I don't have the time to feel. But I'm changing that I know that I have to feel.
It feels like just yesterday she was in my arms for the first time. Oh how I wish that I could turn back time, to hold her, to the moment where I was holding her for the first time and she just stared at me. She stared at me for the longest time. I bonded with her so much. I'm glad that my 2 sisters and my mom were able to bond with her too.
To know that she is with this incredible family, means the WORLD to me. To know that she is loved by everyone around her brings tears to my eyes. To know that she smiles brings me to the most happiest I have ever felt. I am so happy that I found them. I don't know where I would be without this incredible family.

I love her. I love her so much that I was willing to get hit "by the car" and endure all the suffering.


With Love,
Justina Lynn

Reading

I just barely started reading this amazing book it is called Restorative Grief: A Guide to Healing From Adoption. So far it is pretty amazing! It is written by Cynthia Christensen a birthmom. She puts Bible references in this book, and even makes it that much more amazing. I just barely began reading this, and I feel like I'm healing and healing the way I need to! So far my favorite part is Isiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." To know that Heavenly Father is beside me at all times, helping me through this is an incredible feeling! My goal is to read a inspirational book and this is definitely one! It helps to know that what I feel is normal, and missing my precious baby girl and feeling the way I do is normal.  There will be more review of this book to come!

A picture of May that I got from Rachel this Monday. Love it!! I really think she is the cutest baby ever!

With Love,

Justina Lynn

Things are getting better!

    So bare with me this post might be a little bit long!

McKay looks so big next to her! 

Seriously so cute!!

I love love LOVE getting pictures of MayLynn it is seriously the best. She will be 3 months on March 8th! It is crazy how much time has gone by. It feels like just the other day I was holding her in my arms! She is just so darn adorable!!
I look back on everything that has happened, and she has been the best thing that has every happened to me! I'm so glad that she has an amazing family. Who I love dearly! They are just a beautiful family!
I've had a pretty rough time for the past 2 months. Just missing her has really gotten to me. I didn't know how to deal with the emotions, and it seemed like so much in my life was falling apart. And it wasn't until this past week that I had an experience that really opened my eyes. It's made me see that what I did was incredible, and although I already knew that I still needed help.
Yesterday was amazing! I met this girl who just placed her daughter for adoption to my sister's friend. She lives in Colorado and just barely left today. She is not LDS nor is the adoptive couple, but it was amazing that the spirit was there! I talked to my case worker Audra about getting a "Blessing in a Basket" for her. It's a bag full of lots of self care stuff like: lotion, body wash, a journal, bath stuff, picture frames, and a lot more too! It was so amazing to meet her, and to be able to give her that. I don't think she has met another birthmom. It is always nice to have someone you can relate too. I remember the day that I placed May that a birthmom and a dear friend Norma came and gave me my bag. It was just so nice and incredible. It meant the world to me. (Seeing the adoptive couple just reminded me how much I love open adoption! It's amazing what these precious babies can do. I love Rachel and Jared and their whole family! They are all just completely sweet! And MayLynn and all of them are coming in May (haha) I am so so SOOO excited)
So I was thinking on the way home from meeting this girl how awesome it would be if there was someone out there that did free photography for birthmoms, adoptive couple, and the baby all together. Photoshop and EVERYTHING! I loved the feeling that I had when I gave the bag to her it was just amazing! It is very healing in my case! It makes me happy to help others. I decided that I am going to get my nursing degree, but also get a degree in photography! I also decided that I am going to work with Blessings In A Basket company. To provide birthmoms, adoptive couples, and their child(ren) with the opportunity to have amazing pictures! FREE :) I am so excited to be able to do this!
It seems like just a little bit ago the world was kind of crashing down around me, BUT once I started to read my scriptures every night and say my prayers daily, life has gotten better.
I am so greatful for the people that I have in my life! I love the relationship that I have with May and her parents and family! Open adoption is an amazing thing!

With Love,
Justina Lynn

Adoption

Everyday is an obstacle. I think about what May's life would be like if I would have kept her. I know it would have been hard for her and me. I did not want her to be torn between two families. I would've always let the BF's side of the family see her, I knew that they would fight me for custody and try to take her away from me. I also wanted her to have a mom and dad who love each other and that are married. And to have the Priesthood in the home. 

MayLynn is sooo beautiful! I love the openess that I have with the adoptive family! I got two pictures today :) It always makes my day start off incredible. I talk to Jared and Rachel like they are my older brother and sister. I just went and saw all of them in Cali on Martin Luther King weekend. It was incredible! And although it hurts, it also makes me happier to be able to see her. To see how she's doing, and to see where she lives. I plan to go up again sometime in the summer. And I can't wait!!! Of course they do make trips to AZ. Since their two daughters' birth families live down here. I just am so completely happy that she is with them.

She has changed my life so much. She has made me want to be a better person. To not let others take advantage of me, because I am worth more. I love her with every fiber in my being. Words can't describe how much she means to me.

..

I feel like there's something wrong with me... I hate it. I don't know what to do. There's no instructions on how to deal with this. (Obviously) I just really miss her... And it seems as time goes on it gets worse. I hate hate hate crying.

Life...

I don't understand why I still care for him. Obviously he just doesn't feel about me the way that he use to. And it's a good thing though. But why can't I just get over him. He got over me, and he did it quickly. Like 3 weeks later he had a fiance type thing. I just I don't know. I was happy. I don't know if I was in love, but I really cared about him. To me, the way that it's in my head for some reason, I'm just not good enough. I'm afraid that I will never be able to open up to anyone. I really let him know me. And it hurts it hurts a lot. He gave me MayLynn. I love her so much more than anything else in the world. And that's a reason why I care for him. I just I don't know. I know what I want in life. I want to be married in the temple, finish school, and have kids. I just am sad right now. It's hard. Not a day goes bad that I don't miss May... It hurts a lot. I just feel numb. Not happy not really sad just idk..    I just miss her so much