Friday, March 4, 2011

Taking It All In

It's weird... I don't understand why some days it just hits, and when it does hit oh does it hit hard. Never do I regret what I did. My sister's friend Janea was talking to me probably about a week after I placed. She was telling me how incredible she thought I was. She gave me an example to what I did. "Picture yourself on the sidewalk and your child standing in the middle of the street. A car is coming. Now you can jump and hold your child so that the both of you get hurt (that would mean keeping), or you can save your child from any pain push them aside so that only you get hurt (placing)." As I'm sitting here crying, because it does feel like sometimes I just got hit by a car.
May I hope you know that I love you! That I would do anything for you. I loved you so much that I wanted the best in the world for you!
She is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.
I don't know how to really express myself. I put up this barrier, because I'm afraid of the hurt. I'm afraid of getting torn down for how I feel. Slowly my heart will heal, but I've been trying to heal it with super glue, and it is just not working. So now I know I have to do it the right way. It hurts but I have to.
I'm doing the best that I can right now. I bonded with her for 9 months, and now I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I have no meaning in life. It's hard... But I know without a doubt that I was suppose to place her with the adoptive family. To not be able to see her a lot, and get to tell her that I love her, or see her smile, or hear her sweet noises hurts... a lot....
Sometimes it just feels unreal.. I wonder if I really did this? If it's all just been a dream, or I don't know.
I use to blame things on that I just don't have the time. I don't have the time to feel. But I'm changing that I know that I have to feel.
It feels like just yesterday she was in my arms for the first time. Oh how I wish that I could turn back time, to hold her, to the moment where I was holding her for the first time and she just stared at me. She stared at me for the longest time. I bonded with her so much. I'm glad that my 2 sisters and my mom were able to bond with her too.
To know that she is with this incredible family, means the WORLD to me. To know that she is loved by everyone around her brings tears to my eyes. To know that she smiles brings me to the most happiest I have ever felt. I am so happy that I found them. I don't know where I would be without this incredible family.

I love her. I love her so much that I was willing to get hit "by the car" and endure all the suffering.

With Love,
Justina Lynn

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