Monday, January 31, 2011


Everyday is an obstacle. I think about what May's life would be like if I would have kept her. I know it would have been hard for her and me. I did not want her to be torn between two families. I would've always let the BF's side of the family see her, I knew that they would fight me for custody and try to take her away from me. I also wanted her to have a mom and dad who love each other and that are married. And to have the Priesthood in the home. 
MayLynn is sooo beautiful! I love the openess that I have with the adoptive family! I got two pictures today :) It always makes my day start off incredible. I talk to Jared and Rachel like they are my older brother and sister. I just went and saw all of them in Cali on Martin Luther King weekend. It was incredible! And although it hurts, it also makes me happier to be able to see her. To see how she's doing, and to see where she lives. I plan to go up again sometime in the summer. And I can't wait!!! Of course they do make trips to AZ. Since their two daughters' birth families live down here. I just am so completely happy that she is with them.

She has changed my life so much. She has made me want to be a better person. To not let others take advantage of me, because I am worth more. I love her with every fiber in my being. Words can't describe how much she means to me.

Friday, January 21, 2011


I feel like there's something wrong with me... I hate it. I don't know what to do. There's no instructions on how to deal with this. (Obviously) I just really miss her... And it seems as time goes on it gets worse. I hate hate hate crying.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I don't understand why I still care for him. Obviously he just doesn't feel about me the way that he use to. And it's a good thing though. But why can't I just get over him. He got over me, and he did it quickly. Like 3 weeks later he had a fiance type thing. I just I don't know. I was happy. I don't know if I was in love, but I really cared about him. To me, the way that it's in my head for some reason, I'm just not good enough. I'm afraid that I will never be able to open up to anyone. I really let him know me. And it hurts it hurts a lot. He gave me MayLynn. I love her so much more than anything else in the world. And that's a reason why I care for him. I just I don't know. I know what I want in life. I want to be married in the temple, finish school, and have kids. I just am sad right now. It's hard. Not a day goes bad that I don't miss May... It hurts a lot. I just feel numb. Not happy not really sad just idk..    I just miss her so much